The Show Must Go On
by Mychelle in a Wonderland
Summary: Ezri thought that she would go mad if she had to look only one more time at that damn painting. ENGLISH VERSION Gen, Ezri's POV. Character Study. Post Series Finale.


**Disclaimer:** The Star Trek franchise was created by Gene Roddenberry and belonged to him and now belong to a bunch of people, and to Paramount; I don't own nothing here. This story was made only for fun; I didn't make any money on this.

**Summary**: Ezri thought that she would go mad if she had to look only one more time at that damn painting.

**Universe**: Star Trek – Deep Space Nine (DS9).

**Warnings:** Before anything, I have the obligation to say that English is NOT my native language and this story didn't have a beta reader. Therefore, the following text may have some gross grammatical mistakes. So, if you really want to read... you're warned! :D

(Also, if you see some of these errors and want to let me know, I would really appreciate it. It's always good to correct my grammatical mistakes when I can.)

The following story takes place after the season finale "What You Leave Behind", and have spoilers for all the series.

**Ships**: There's no pairings here, this is a Gen story, but there are mentions of past relationships [Ezri/Worf, Ezri/Julian].

**N.A**.: Jadzia's death was an extremely painful blow, but I ended up really loving Ezri Dax, and I was and still am a little bitter with the poor treatment she sometimes received from the writers themselves. This fanfic is an attempt to try to enter the confused little head of Ezri.

The title of the fanfic was taken from the song "The Show Must Go On" by Queen.

I apologize if any character is OOC; this is never my intention, but sometimes it's hard to found the character's voice accurately. And again, I'm sorry for any grammatical mistakes, and I thank any of you who will read it.

**Rated**: K+.

**X_X_X**

**The Show Must Go On**

_By Mychelle in a Wonderland_

**X_X_X**

The quarters in a starship could be very impersonal, especially if a mission is a short one. If the mission is longer, or if you're living in a starship, they tend to be a little more personal in its decorations and styles, resembling the quarter's owner.

She was in the station for a long time now, so, her quarters weren't so impersonal anymore, as if she had just arrived; the decoration, the little details would make impossible for anyone to think that this was a newly occupied quarters.

She still thought that there was something completely impersonal in her quarters.

Between her objects, there was a painting; beautiful, with the nice and kind face of a young woman. She has it since she was a teenager – Norvo gave it to her, when he was a little more than a child. And although it wasn't one of his works, she always had a fondness for the picture.

However, Ezri thought that she would go mad if she had to look only one more time for that annoying gentle face.

It was a common feeling on those days. When Ezri felt like that, she liked to lie down on her bed and close her eyes, trying to not think in absolutely nothing.

It was quite a challenge let your mind empty when you had the memories of so many lives within you, but after some months, Ezri saw herself capable of doing such a thing.

Such exercise was extremely relaxing; the biggest trouble of Ezri, since she became Dax, was reconcile the thoughts of Ezri and the memories of Dax, and it was an immense relief the sensation of get rid of all the confusion that was she going through everyday, at least for a few minutes.

The only problem was that the sensation never lasted long; a few minutes after, Ezri saw herself again in her semi-impersonal quarters, as frustrated as before.

This frustration, just like the sensation that she couldn't stand to look at her painting anymore, was a constant companion in these days. Deep Space Nine seemed to be her home since the first time that she put her feet there, but recently, everything there seemed unreal, strange, out of the place.

The absence of almost all the main crew and friends also cooperated for this estrangement. Of course, Ezri had lived with some of her colleagues a little more than a year, but her brief acquaintanceship with them added with Jadzia's memories caused their detachment much more painful, especially with some people in particular.

Just like Worf. Worf... she was happy for his departure, she really was; men like Worf would help to build a Klingon empire much more honored, and now he had a position who would offer him the respect that he always deserved. But Ezri would be lying if she said that his distance wasn't painful.

Her feelings about Worf would always be messy, and she was sure that some part of her would always love him – just like she was sure that it would be an immense mistake to listen that part of her being. But even with the tempestuous beginning of her familiarity with Worf, she was glad with the friendship that they built, and she saw herself missing it in the day in day out.

Benjamin… it was more than just a little painful to think about Ben. Jadzia never was devout of the Prophets, and Ezri wasn't a believer either, but sometimes she caught herself, during the day, making a silent prayer, her words asking for Benjamin's safety and happiness, wherever he was. It was impossible to eliminate her worry about him; it was a habit from the two previous hosts of Dax that Ezri fully embraced.

Benjamin was Curzon's protégé, and he was Jadzia's best friend. Ben was also the first person to receive her with a smile of satisfaction, the first person to protect her and help her to see herself as an individual, and not just a combination of personalities, after her joining with Dax. Benjamin was the best friend that Ezri or Dax could ask, and she missed him terribly.

Ben's absence was particularly throbbing in each time that Ezri saw Jake or Kasidy wandering alone in the station. As Kasidy and Jake's friend, and as Benjamin's friend for more than three lifetimes, she saw herself responsible to take care of his beloved ones in his absence. She was always talking with Jake and Kasidy, participating of dinners and trips to the holosuite, making the possible to keep contact. It were bittersweet hours, but Ezri loved those moments, despite the fact that sometimes it left her sad, asking herself if Benjamin would really return, someday.

However, such doubts were soon dispelled; in all the time that they knew each other, Ben Sisko never left Dax down, and she didn't thought that he was going to start this habit now.

But besides the absent friends, there is, of course, the presence of some dear friends. For example, Nerys was there; tough, sensitive, wonderful Nerys. When Nerys was the subject, Ezri's opinion was just like Jadzia's; Nerys was a amazing woman, so strong, a person who went through nameless terrors for most of her life, and she still was able to be happy and make the others smile. Ezri was proud in call Nerys a friend.

And Quark; the Ferengi that many despised or treated as just one more unreliable face in the crowd occupied a special place in Ezri's heart. He was different from every other friend that she had, but not less important; Quark already proved more than once for Ezri and Jadzia that he could be a loyal and devoted friend, and Ezri had a special regard for him.

And there is, of course, Julian; sweet, lovely Julian, with his enchanting smile and his huge, beautiful hazel eyes. It was so easy to fall in love with Julian – Jadzia's memories about him, full of fondness and admiration, and Ezri's impressions of him – charming, dedicated, handsome – and his fascinating personality, that she knew a new facet every day, were fatal ingredients for the passion.

In the beginning, it was wonderful to be with Julian; he was so clever, funny, loving and dedicated in everything he did, but especially with her, and it seemed that he would never stop to fascinate and surprise her, showing each time that he was much more that he appeared to be for the others, and Ezri felt like she would always want to be at his side.

But, over the weeks and over the months, Ezri was feeling that the moments between her and Julian weren't as wonderful as they used to be, and that it seemed to have more Dax – more _Jadzia_ – than Ezri in their relationship, and it wasn't something good - it wasn't good at all. Not when Ezri still was struggling to affirm herself as more than just the junction of Dax's former hosts, not when she still didn't feel comfortable enough to call an experience of a former host as an experience of her own.

They both seemed to be chasing ghosts; Ezri seemed to cling in what could have been a great love of Jadzia, and Julian seemed to be holding in what remained in Ezri from the woman that he, one day, judged to have loved.

It was easy to fall in love with Julian; almost as easy as to fall out of love with him. In the end, it was a relief when they ended their relationship and decided to keep contact just as friends, before they could really hurt each other.

Considering that the end of her relationship with Julian was amicable, Ezri didn't even think about a change of address; DS9 was her home, and she felt good here, especially after the end of the war. These days were almost like Jadzia's first days in the station, without the weight of so many deaths and tragedies, without everyone's guilt and sadness; it was almost like the beginning of everything.

Perhaps that was exactly the problem.

When Ezri joined Dax, unprepared as she was, she considered the decision of searching for Benjamin the most adequate decision for the moment. Curzon's and Jadzia's memories about Benjamin couldn't be untrue about the character and the loyalty of a friend like Benjamin. She knew that Ben would help her, and she knew that he would ask her for stay in the station for a while, so he could watch out her progress.

After she agreed in becomes part of the crew, she was happy and she was grateful to her colleagues, who had started to slowly accept her. Of course, she was still worried in those mornings of the first days, when her sleepy state of mind and her quarters – impersonal, and yet familiar – made her wake up disoriented, asking herself where Worf was and planning something for do during her day, until she looked at the mirror and remembered that she wasn't Jadzia anymore.

She was worried, of course, but she told herself that it would pass. Her training as a counselor reminded her that it was only a normal reaction to such an overwhelming experience as an union to a symbiont, and that pretty soon she would learn to be Ezri Dax, no longer Ezri Tigan and not just Dax, not just the memories of her previous hosts.

And she was right; during the next months, she learned how to administer herself, how to administer her memories. She recovered her self esteem; she recovered her wishes and ambitions.

And that was the reason that she was asking herself now why she was still living a continuation of Jadzia's life.

She couldn't avoid a twinge of guilt in thinking about this situation like that; the people who worked with her, her friends, they were all important to her. They weren't just a page in Jadzia's life, they were Ezri's friends.

But at the same that that she knew about their importance, she also knew that Deep Space Nine was originally a Jadzia's idea, Jadzia's experiences; Jadzia's friends accepted Ezri and learned to like her because they met Jadzia one day.

That was normal; it happened with Dax's previous hosts. But all of them had their own lives; all of them lived their lives post joining in different places, with different people.

Ezri was afraid about how long she would still be living in the shadows of Jadzia's life.

Each day she thought more and more about it, and each day she thought that she should leave DS9 soon, and each day, she couldn't find the nerves for do it.

Awakening from her daydream, Ezri noticed that she spent too much time digressing, and got up, thinking in get in the Ops before Nerys called her.

Passing in front of her mirror, Ezri looked up and saw the painting that was annoying her lately; after a moment of hesitation, she grabbed it and took it off the wall, guarding it in a drawer, and then she left her quarters.

Old memories didn't need to be thrown away, but sometimes, they needed to be saved and momentarily forgotten, because only in this way new experiences could finally happen.

And both Ezri and Dax knew it.

**The End**


End file.
